Four Year Anniversary

(well I started working at the company in 2020…so technically…)

It has been four years since the accident. Each year leading up to this date, I made some form of attempt at confronting the company with undeniable proof of what was happening to me and my family due to its “behaviors” we’ll say…I don’t really want to go into the details of it now…because we’ll get there for sure and that’s not where I want the focal point to be at the moment.

I had a plan…and it was going well. But it seemed that no matter how hard I was working, or how great my mindset was, something or someone would just swoop in and knock me off track. It didn’t happen overnight, but soon I began to realize that these obstacles weren’t going to go away. I just had to look at them the same way I was looking at my “limitations”, like the isolation due to medical issues that stem from the accident at work, physical/mental reactions to previous traumas, shame, fear, etc. It wasn’t only the company, the landlord, the current situation, or the life events leading me to this point that were throwing me off…these were simply more lessons. Hard fucking lessons. I wasn’t ready yet…

Honestly, I didn’t think I needed much more in order to get to the next level of…myself, life, whatever. I needed more time to remember. 

After four years of isolation, one can truly get to know themselves in a very deep way. Ruminating thoughts turn into full on conversations that are often spoken out loud. My mom had encouraged me to start recording again, something I’d done over the years with my journals, music, travels, etc. I didn’t want to film myself, cause at the time I wasn’t ready to look at myself. I started recording all the time and I am sooooo happy that I did. I was able to use many of the recordings as references to my situation with the company. I made some fun music and eventually prepared myself for the camera.

I started studying youtube creators to see how things were being done, topics that were being discussed, angles, formats, etc. I knew nothing. Later, I did the same with social media. I learned pretty quickly that social media was going to be difficult for me. But I did also notice immediately that the outside world is fucking intense. I had to change my “angle”, direction. But first, I needed one of those fucking distractions to throw me off track. I wasn’t ready. The project wasn’t ready. I had to go deeper. 

I wasn’t afraid of the company. But I was still afraid of what people thought about me, what they might say about me, etc. Was I doing this out of love, justice, revenge? Probably. I think so…but this was bigger than the “company”. I am not worried in that case, because I have that part down. But, what then? Where do I go from there? I was still hiding pieces of the story, the journey…this was holding me back. This journey has never been about perfection, nor the pursuit of fortune or fame. I don’t care about going viral, or…any of that shit. But I was still scared. This project was about facing my fears. 

I listened back to all the recordings, videos, music and art that I created during these four years and then started looking back at all the years leading up to this point. It reminded me that I have always been an artist, seeking knowledge, truth, understanding, justice, making a difference…my mission, or purpose has always remained the same.  Every event leading up to this point in life prepared me for the last four years in isolation. Every year I reached a higher level of understanding and growth. This last year…brought it all to life. I fucking remember who I am. I can see who we are and how we’re all connected, the same in so many ways. 

In order for me to accomplish these goals, I have to walk the walk. I have to believe in myself. I have faith in humanity. I think that most of us are just lost, also hiding, living in fear of what…we’ve been programmed to believe. So I’m just gonna do it. All of it…the truth will set you free. Just own it.